I was browsing the interwebs for some interesting material to cover when I came across this article highlighting some of the more disturbing things men say to women on the street. Did you know that, in one study, 99 percent of women reported experiencing various forms of street harassment in their lifetimes? The things us men choose say when we see a beautiful woman can be devastating, especially when we have our comrades in close proximity:

o-CAROLINE-2-570 bad example

However, as the astute motherfucker I am, I couldn’t help but notice that some of these comments could possibly be taken way more lightly than these lovely victims of street harassment would have you believe. Even my throwing “lovely” in the previous sentence – or any sentence herein – could be understandably insulting to some! But I come in peace, and I digress. Let’s cut the shit and go over a few of the types of cat-calls women are plagued with. Feel free to join the conversation and share your thoughts below! (Read the comments)

 

1. “Are You Single?” – Seems Legit

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So someone stopped you, politely asked if they could ask a question before ultimately determining your marriage status, and that is an issue? I’m not sure that I need to write very much to justify my seeing this as an appropriate comment. This seems a far cry from “Hey, slut! Nice tits!” This seems like it came from a guy with a top hat and a monocle. If I wrote a book on meeting women out in the world, this approach would probably listed somewhere near Step 1 in the chapter entitled A Gentleman’s Touch. You really can find love anywhere, just like your favorite rom-com would suggest, so I think this a bogus complaint.

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Here, with the slight variation in syntax, I can maybe be empathetic to her frustration. Maybe she just doesn’t like being called “girl.” It might be insulting to an adult female, but I highly doubt she would prefer being called “woman” as a replacement for her name. Should no man ever TRY to approach you, unless they already know your name? How will they ever make new friends???

 

2. Pet Names: Because They Don’t Know Your Real Name

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OK, I can agree that pet names are not always usually never flattering; but how detrimental is a “cute” nickname that some horny man felt the need to give you? I won’t say you should be flattered, cuz then I’d sound a little like the douche that said this:

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BUT… I will say that after many conversations with various women around the globe, I have determined… that women everywhere have determined… that we men are all retarded, anyway.

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Some women spend a lot of time primping and getting extra beautiful for the day. It might not be for the construction worker on the sidewalk, or for any other man; I get it. But I feel that with this universal knowledge of men and our instinctual verbal vomit, the recipients of said vomit could just try to turn a negative to a positive. Why not laugh under your breaths at our feeble, inconsiderate, usually ignorant and/or brain dead attempts to win you over? On behalf of (non-creep) men everywhere, I apologize.

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OK, that guy’s a boundary-crossing jerk; but I’m sure that more than a handful of us mean well, while the majority definitely mean no harm. Generalization rocks!


 

3. One Word Salutations: Less is Less More

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“Smile!” That’s something you hear at JC Penny when you’re posing with your beloved family, moments away from being etched into the 1,000-word history books. Quite an occasion. I see nothing wrong with someone trying to raise your vibration with a friendly comment, with hopes of putting a positive spin on your day. More people should be positive! Life sucks at times, but you got to push through! When God created us, He did so with the intention of bringing joy to men loafing on milk crates, and men loafing on milk crates hate to be let down. Besides that, I saw an emotional chart the other day, and it shows how a negative mindset can drive you down a winding path of self-destruction:

 

 

Admittedly, not every one-liner has much of a saving argument, not even for a troll like me. Meh; like I said, most mean no harm.

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Who knows? Maybe things got misconstrued. Maybe he was eating a boss ass sandwich and she just passed by feeling herself, complementing her own outfit at the exact moment the perv was professing his love for Checker Burgers. “Delicious,” he spoke unto the heavens as he sank his teeth into the stale-but-toasted bun.

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via integratedmusician.com

 
Maybe her check didn’t come in yet, and she was jealous because the sandwich looked so mouth-watering. In an alternate universe, she may have been dying to get her hands on some of that 15% beef, but she had no cash to make it a reality. It could have sent her over the edge, causing her to spread that negativity and destroy the bond between a lowly man and his manwich. It’s good to postulate the possibilities; flex that frontal lobe.

4. Misunderstandings: You’d Laugh If It Was A Movie

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Am I an asshole because I found this hilarious? My girlfriend laughed. Don’t judge me. After the first impression, this gentleman wanted to ask you out so badly that he was unable to handle the thought of you rejecting him. He was so nervous that he farted on a molecular level, causing an outburst that earned him the exact opposite result he was hoping for. It’s just a funny thought, imagining the specifics of the scene if someone were to actually have their face PF Chang’ed on. Would there need to be chopsticks? Duck sauce or soy? How much fun could this experience be with someone who didn’t give you the fucking creeps?

Eat-Naked
via deadfix.com

 
Sometimes things are not nearly as humorous, it’s true. Some comments are so perverse, one could consider them verbal assault. I think that in this next case, there was a slight misunderstanding: This doesn’t look like your run-of-the-mill harassment, this is assault:

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This non-profit organization includes assault and murder as types of harassment but I still think those two are too extreme to be used as a synonyms for – or inclusive in – street harassment. Regardless, it’s truly a shockingly horrible message to receive while making your way downtown, walking fast, when you’re home bound, but at the same time there’s a beautiful life lesson sleeping beneath the madness: Time to get some fucking MACE.


Might want to add a restraining order to that shopping cart

 
Now, sometimes I think men are too quickly judged for the globs of stupidity that seemingly roll off the tongue, dancing the borderlines between Rated PG and Rated $3.99 per minute. Maybe, just maybe, it was just taken out of context!

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What if there was a fight. Two brothers, fighting over a woman that they each met on separate occasions. A girl who was interested in dating at first but is now thinking of saying no to both callers due to the stupid butt-hurt tension that has been built up. Then, out of nowhere, one of the brothers turns to violence, decking the other unsuspecting brother right in the third eye. After the woman decides to leave both of these idiots alone, the brother that started the fight offers an olive branch: He broke his brother off a piece of that Kit-Kat bar; something he vowed NEVER to do when the boys were young, stowed away in the tree house their father had built for them before he made the FBI Top 10 Most Wanted List and fled the country. So many mysteries in this world… They used to say the Earth was flat and USD was backed by something substantial! You never know.

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No matter what, the right woman is out there for all us brave and glorious men, creeps and non-creeps alike. I just hope that in our search for both lust and love, we can more accurately judge the character of the people we’d like to approach, and do so accordingly. I’m not generally one to be a stickler for tact – in any situation – but I can’t say I’ve ever been randomly slapped in the face for telling a woman to put my cock in her mouth. What do I look like, a monster?

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Hoping this sounded more satirical than chauvinist,
ABR

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